STETSON hates your loathsome guts but sends his warmest regards, as follows:

1. Thank you for hearting my songs ironically, or out of pity. If you heart my songs literally you should probably get an MRI. There may be significant damage already from the tumor there. Only tumors make you heart bad music like mine.

2. I play a Breedlove Black Atlas I bought having never heard of the company before. I thought I was special or something but then I found out other people were buying copies of my guitar. If you play a Breedlove Black Atlas, I will find you and smash your guitar.

3. I think if Oppenheimer had invented pitch correction, instead of the atom bomb, WWII would have ended up even worse than it did. If you use pitch correction, I will find you and hammer-punch you in a secret place on your body. Then I will smash your pitch correcter, not because I think it is "cheating", but because your shitty singing is an insult to the astronauts who died to bring you the technology.

4. I will happily sign your body parts, including buttocks, labia majora, labia minora, perinea and scrota.

5. I gave my virginity to a veteran who'd lost both legs and an arm. I thought he needed it more. He gave me his Army Cross. He thought I needed it more. I sold it.

6. Don't fall in love with me. I'm horribly abusive.

Twitter name: "outsideoutside"